A Pile of Letters

It has taken me a long time to sit down and write this out. I have been tossing around the words and emotions for days now. It never does get easier, getting rejected. This year has been filled with a lot of letters stating that “You are not what we are looking for.” I mean, there is a good side to it all. Having rejection letters means that you are putting yourself out there. But it hurts. It hurts so bad when you are told that you are not what they are looking for, not good enough, have potential but are just not quiet there yet. All of it hurts and makes you second guess what you are doing. I have been constantly questioning the direction that I want to go with my art. Everytime I create I feel like it isn’t good enough, no one will want this or appreciate this. I guess you can say I am in a slump, a really ugly low slump, and I just want to get out of it. It makes me question a lot of things.

Why do I paint?

Who do I paint for?

Do I paint to get paid?

Do I paint to heal?

Do I paint because its a part of who I am or do I paint because I want to be a famous painter one day and have people know my name and my work and be willing to pay stupid money to own a piece?

These questions are always rattling in my head and I wonder what the answers are. Every letter that I get saying, “Nope, you are not the one for us”, “Your work isn’t what we are looking for.” Everyone of those letters leads me back to these questions. Why do I do what I do?

The answer really is simple. Since I was 7 years old I have always wanted to be an artist, it has been a part of my identiy for as long as I can remember. Life took me on many a journey but art was never far from me. It just took many different forms.

The answer to why I paint is because I have to, its part of who I am. Who do I paint for? I paint for me! This is so hard to keep in focus, because its easy to get wrapped up in being liked and having more instagram followers and making money, but at the end of the day, I paint for me. When I pick up my brush and let everything flow out, I do it for me. For my heart. For my soul. For my mind. It brings me peace and it reminds me that I am still that 7 year old girl, longing to be an artist, not knowing that I already am an artist!

Do I paint to get paid? God, this one I struggle with so much! I am a Stay At Home Mom to 4 children, two of which are on the Autism Spectrum and I also homeschool our 9 year old daughter. I have not worked a traditional job in 8 years which means I don’t have a paycheque. So when I started to sell my work it was really hard not to get excited about being able to create an income for myself. But, that can be dangerous to. It tool me to a place where I created what everyone else wanted me to create and maybe not really what I wanted to create. Art and creating can very quickly become a “job” when you turn to the money. (That being said, my dream is to be able to live off of my art sales one day, but not to get lost chasing the pay cheque and missing my truth as an artist. I am not shaming or trying to offend those who do make an income from their art. Thats amazing and you should be very proud of yourself!)

Do I paint to heal? 100000% YES! This is something I will forget sometimes, I will go long times without painting and just feeling miserable until I finally pick up my brush or pencil and start the process. Then its like a flood of emotions exiting my body through my hands and I feel like I can breathe again. Art as always been a very strong outlet for me, but being burnt out and just lost in my journey can make creating very difficult. I have to learn to enjoy sucking at something first and allow my art space to grow so it can continue to be a healing thing. Its a Journey.

Do I paint because that is who I am? Yes. Do I paint because I want to be a famous artist? Also, yes! I do love the idea of filling a gallery with my work and having people come and see it and love it and hate it and talk about it. I just need to find me in my art. Sometimes collecting the rejection letters can show us what we are capable of just as much as it shows us what we are not capable of. I have dug deep into my heart to create pieces that have been rejected and in doing so I found a piece of me that I really liked and want to bring out. That is the beauty of pushing yourself. It will hurt, yes but you will learn so much more. I need to follow what I need and what I want, not someone else. I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes of all time.

“Don’t think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide if its good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they are deciding, make even more art.” - Andy Warhol

Until Next time, thanks for reading,

-K